Meltdown.

Saturday night. I had a full out meltdown/anxiety attack over thoughts that creeped into my mind...Thinking the worst just because no one contacted me. Mom went to go meet someone new an hour and a half away, but didn't call me at night to tell me she was okay. Over time I started to think the worst...so I called her phone literally non stop for at least an hour. When she never replied I ended up breaking down sobbing...Bob couldn't console me, no one could. I started to think about what would happen if anything happened to my mom... Where would I go, what would happen to me... I can't make it out there alone right now. I wouldn't be able to. I'm still very much so dependant on my mom, and I don't even know if she realizes how much I do actually love her. It's difficult to express it right. I find hugs to be awkward. Saying 'I love you' is meaningless to me. It's just 3 words, how do they carry meaning? It's actions that do it for me. But I can't even do those 'right'. Ugh. At least she finally called me and I was able to settle down.

Transitions

Friday night, Oct 5th:
We're finally moving back into my bedroom. I'm up at 2 a.m still, not sure if I want to try and sleep or not because my room is organized different now. Bob decided that he wanted a visual change and so we moved the bed away from where it used to be. And we have a different dresser in there too. I might just stay up until my mom wakes up and I'll steal her bed for the night. :/ If I go to bed in my room, I'll need melatonin to get to sleep. Otherwise I'll be up tossing and turning and my mind will be going a million miles a minute until I pass out from exhaustion, only to wake up a few hours later. This is how it is with me and transitions. I wasn't expecting to suddenly move into my room in one night. I wanted to stagger it over the course of a few days. But Bob doesn't work like that, and he moved everything in already, so I just have to deal with it.

edit: 2:43 a.m: I'm too tired to stay up. Too hot to stay clothed. Gunna go in my room and crawl under my weighted blanket and try to sleep. Why must transitions be so difficult? :c

Goals, moving forward.

Had another talk with my therapist tonight. Things are going over pretty well actually. I discussed my plans for going back into college and she's very supportive. She thinks that we can go to the student disability center and have them help give me the aid I need. Written notes, a quiet section to study at, a way to ask for help without needing to verbally ask, and a reduced course load.

I really drove in the fact that I have very sensitive hearing, above all other sensory issues. My hearing is the most affected. When I explained that I get distracted by the simple sound of someone writing on paper, that even with noise reducing earbuds I was able to hear the sounds of machinery and conversations in mcdonalds as well as hear the radio and pick out what song was playing. I can get headaches from the noise of the dishwasher and hear it across the room even. She said that it's no wonder I have anxiety issues, the constant fear of noises definitely doesn't help.

I explained the difficulty with transitions, and how anxiety about certain situations will linger even after the moment has come and gone. She seems really interested in that, and wants me to write down any specific transitions that I handle and wants to know just how I handle it and how i react.

Overall I think things are going to work out well in the long run, it's just going to take a while to really overcome some of these issues.

Appointment afterthoughts.

I'm bad at this. :v I talked the lady's ear off the entire time, she got to meet my bf and learn a bit more about me. She got to see all my nervous stims in person, including how I tear my nails apart and wring my fingers n such together. I told her about how I obsessively think over things, and she understands how having knowledge can lower anxiety but how there's better coping skills that i can learn and use. I explained a little about my obsessive interests though and how I'm generally happy about them. I did forget to mention that those include weather and music. I'll have to go back and detail it some more. I'm so exhausted right now though.. I'm probably going to go to bed and just sleep all night. :| Socializing is so difficult..

Short post for tonight, maybe longer one to come tomorrow if I remember enough.

When anxiety leads to negative obsession.

As if it's not already obvious by my other posts, I struggle with anxiety. Day to day basis, to be honest. There's not more than a few hours a day that go by without me anxiously worrying over something or another. I don't get the physical symptoms daily unless something comes up (such as needing to leave the house and interact with people), but I'm constantly worrying and obsessing.
But these aren't the "good" obsessions. They're not the fun obsessive interests that calm me down and let me feel like me, or that get things done. These are the ones that tear me apart inside. I will obsess over the tiniest of details leading up to an event until it actually happens, and only then will I either calm down or go into overdrive and near panic mode. Usually the latter, I've just gotten a bit better at masking it over time. If I don't obsess, then I am much much more likely to break down or meltdown into a full anxiety attack. Hyperventilating, sobbing, stimming and difficulty speaking included. Feels like I got run over by a truck.
Let's take last week as an example. I was referred to a therapist for my social anxiety, but we had to sit down and talk about what exactly my anxiety encompassed. I had no clue what to expect when I got there. I was referred to see someone named 'Travis', but I ended up getting 'Autumn'. I didn't know if the lady I briefly talked to on the phone was going to be my therapist. I assumed she was a secretary.

I knew I wanted to bring up the Aspergers thing with the therapist (which I had thought was an actual psychologist until I got there.) So I proceeded to obsess over what I needed to bring, knowing that I could go partially verbal at the appointment, or stim so much that I'd be barely understood. I ended up printing out over 20 pages of material (Basically the Autism Quotient test and the Aspie quiz from rdos, with my results included). I then sat there and commented on every single question, giving examples of situations where this or that happened. How I react to certain things. How this trait or that trait displayed in me. I then obsessed heavily over how it was going to happen. I talked to a few people, panicked on them, and went back to my hidey hole and continued to obsess. I didn't listen to their advice because I was scared and couldn't handle it. I created scripts in my head of what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. What their response would be, and then my response to their response. I fell asleep thinking these things, even. I obsessed over how the room would look like, if it'd smell okay or if I'd be gagging from a strong fake scent. If the person would have an accent or not, if I'd be able to open up to them, etc etc etc.
And by the time I got there, I was such an anxious ball of a mess that when she called me in I immediately tripped over the chair's footrest and then sat there shaking. I couldn't lean back and relax if I even wanted to. I bounced my leg nervously. I wrung my wrists, chewed on my fingers until they were raw. My fingernails barely exist at this point. and it felt like there was peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth when I tried to speak. She said I seemed very articulate, ironically enough. I guess all the years of practicing and hiding might've paid off, or hindered me. I hope not the latter.

I ended up not even using the papers at all. I will save them for a later date. I am not too good at answering questions on the spot, so some of the questions that were asked I feel that I didn't answer correctly because of the pressure. I have had physical symptoms related to my anxiety. I get upset stomachs frequently, bowl issues, and headaches almost weekly. I've had my own weird version of panic attacks ,where I either shut down and am unable to do much other than say a few things and pass out in bed for hours, or I break down into a meltdown and end up crying and stuttering so much I'm stuck just repeating the same phrases over and over. I don't have the typical panic attacks where I feel like I'm going to die or pass out or something. But I do end up having a reaction to a peak in anxiety that I can't control. It's difficult to explain in words.
I will be seeing the therapist again next wednesday...and I have things to bring up again that I forgot about last time. Maybe I'll just bring this post in.

Oh, and what happens if I don't mentally prepare for all these things? Then we get me sitting there in front of the person trying my best to not breakdown into an anxiety attack. Like what happened when I had to go get an ultrasound to check for cysts. *sigh* It's difficult..

Obsession.

Shamelessly admitting that I am obsessed with tracking this tropical storm/hurricane. I live here in Florida and I'm halfway wanting it to hit nearer to us so we have all the weather and the information and everything.

Keeping this brief to spare you all the details. But I'm all involved with this storm and also looking forward to the rest of the season. If I weren't so bad at math I'd be a meteorologist.

A bunch of scattered thoughts, for now.

I usually like to try and post "meaningful" posts. Whatever that means. But my mind is a mess of fleeting thoughts and so I figured I'd just put some of them down here for now. :P Some will probably be in lists, some might be in a paragraph or a sentence.
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I just got "done" cleaning today. And by cleaning I mean OCD-like going through the closet and the dresser in the spare room of all clothes, and separating each piece of clothing into their own little pile. Long sleeved shirts. Pajama shirts. Pajama bottoms. Jeans. Short sleeved shirts, shorts, dress shirts. And then separated into another pile. Clothes to be folded and put in the dresser. Clothes to be hung up. Clothes to be donated. Clothes to be thrown away.
And if anyone messes with my piles, I get frustrated. I'll grab my head and yell at them, without meaning to yell. I flap around until they leave my sight so I can fix it and continue. If one shirt gets unfolded, I have to refold it and all of the shirts that got knocked off the pile.

I ended up with 3 garbage bags full of clothes to be donated. My mind is now flipping out. What have I done. What have I thrown away. What if I need some of that again? Specifically one of my favorite blue shirts. It no longer fits me. But I really like that shirt. But I no longer wear it. So I donated it, but I still want it. @_@
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I still need a better title for my blog. Something that will 'stick', short and to the point.

I still have so much to clean. I started this feeling excited about it. But now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm in too deep but I can't get out, I made a promise to my only friend. I'm going to clean this house up before she moves in. I'm going to make it all work out.
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I want to know what people want to hear about. :o I have so much to talk about but I don't want to just rant. I haven't really written anything in years so I'm a bit out of touch and a bit rusty.