Appointment afterthoughts.

I'm bad at this. :v I talked the lady's ear off the entire time, she got to meet my bf and learn a bit more about me. She got to see all my nervous stims in person, including how I tear my nails apart and wring my fingers n such together. I told her about how I obsessively think over things, and she understands how having knowledge can lower anxiety but how there's better coping skills that i can learn and use. I explained a little about my obsessive interests though and how I'm generally happy about them. I did forget to mention that those include weather and music. I'll have to go back and detail it some more. I'm so exhausted right now though.. I'm probably going to go to bed and just sleep all night. :| Socializing is so difficult..

Short post for tonight, maybe longer one to come tomorrow if I remember enough.

When anxiety leads to negative obsession.

As if it's not already obvious by my other posts, I struggle with anxiety. Day to day basis, to be honest. There's not more than a few hours a day that go by without me anxiously worrying over something or another. I don't get the physical symptoms daily unless something comes up (such as needing to leave the house and interact with people), but I'm constantly worrying and obsessing.
But these aren't the "good" obsessions. They're not the fun obsessive interests that calm me down and let me feel like me, or that get things done. These are the ones that tear me apart inside. I will obsess over the tiniest of details leading up to an event until it actually happens, and only then will I either calm down or go into overdrive and near panic mode. Usually the latter, I've just gotten a bit better at masking it over time. If I don't obsess, then I am much much more likely to break down or meltdown into a full anxiety attack. Hyperventilating, sobbing, stimming and difficulty speaking included. Feels like I got run over by a truck.
Let's take last week as an example. I was referred to a therapist for my social anxiety, but we had to sit down and talk about what exactly my anxiety encompassed. I had no clue what to expect when I got there. I was referred to see someone named 'Travis', but I ended up getting 'Autumn'. I didn't know if the lady I briefly talked to on the phone was going to be my therapist. I assumed she was a secretary.

I knew I wanted to bring up the Aspergers thing with the therapist (which I had thought was an actual psychologist until I got there.) So I proceeded to obsess over what I needed to bring, knowing that I could go partially verbal at the appointment, or stim so much that I'd be barely understood. I ended up printing out over 20 pages of material (Basically the Autism Quotient test and the Aspie quiz from rdos, with my results included). I then sat there and commented on every single question, giving examples of situations where this or that happened. How I react to certain things. How this trait or that trait displayed in me. I then obsessed heavily over how it was going to happen. I talked to a few people, panicked on them, and went back to my hidey hole and continued to obsess. I didn't listen to their advice because I was scared and couldn't handle it. I created scripts in my head of what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. What their response would be, and then my response to their response. I fell asleep thinking these things, even. I obsessed over how the room would look like, if it'd smell okay or if I'd be gagging from a strong fake scent. If the person would have an accent or not, if I'd be able to open up to them, etc etc etc.
And by the time I got there, I was such an anxious ball of a mess that when she called me in I immediately tripped over the chair's footrest and then sat there shaking. I couldn't lean back and relax if I even wanted to. I bounced my leg nervously. I wrung my wrists, chewed on my fingers until they were raw. My fingernails barely exist at this point. and it felt like there was peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth when I tried to speak. She said I seemed very articulate, ironically enough. I guess all the years of practicing and hiding might've paid off, or hindered me. I hope not the latter.

I ended up not even using the papers at all. I will save them for a later date. I am not too good at answering questions on the spot, so some of the questions that were asked I feel that I didn't answer correctly because of the pressure. I have had physical symptoms related to my anxiety. I get upset stomachs frequently, bowl issues, and headaches almost weekly. I've had my own weird version of panic attacks ,where I either shut down and am unable to do much other than say a few things and pass out in bed for hours, or I break down into a meltdown and end up crying and stuttering so much I'm stuck just repeating the same phrases over and over. I don't have the typical panic attacks where I feel like I'm going to die or pass out or something. But I do end up having a reaction to a peak in anxiety that I can't control. It's difficult to explain in words.
I will be seeing the therapist again next wednesday...and I have things to bring up again that I forgot about last time. Maybe I'll just bring this post in.

Oh, and what happens if I don't mentally prepare for all these things? Then we get me sitting there in front of the person trying my best to not breakdown into an anxiety attack. Like what happened when I had to go get an ultrasound to check for cysts. *sigh* It's difficult..

Obsession.

Shamelessly admitting that I am obsessed with tracking this tropical storm/hurricane. I live here in Florida and I'm halfway wanting it to hit nearer to us so we have all the weather and the information and everything.

Keeping this brief to spare you all the details. But I'm all involved with this storm and also looking forward to the rest of the season. If I weren't so bad at math I'd be a meteorologist.

A bunch of scattered thoughts, for now.

I usually like to try and post "meaningful" posts. Whatever that means. But my mind is a mess of fleeting thoughts and so I figured I'd just put some of them down here for now. :P Some will probably be in lists, some might be in a paragraph or a sentence.
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I just got "done" cleaning today. And by cleaning I mean OCD-like going through the closet and the dresser in the spare room of all clothes, and separating each piece of clothing into their own little pile. Long sleeved shirts. Pajama shirts. Pajama bottoms. Jeans. Short sleeved shirts, shorts, dress shirts. And then separated into another pile. Clothes to be folded and put in the dresser. Clothes to be hung up. Clothes to be donated. Clothes to be thrown away.
And if anyone messes with my piles, I get frustrated. I'll grab my head and yell at them, without meaning to yell. I flap around until they leave my sight so I can fix it and continue. If one shirt gets unfolded, I have to refold it and all of the shirts that got knocked off the pile.

I ended up with 3 garbage bags full of clothes to be donated. My mind is now flipping out. What have I done. What have I thrown away. What if I need some of that again? Specifically one of my favorite blue shirts. It no longer fits me. But I really like that shirt. But I no longer wear it. So I donated it, but I still want it. @_@
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I still need a better title for my blog. Something that will 'stick', short and to the point.

I still have so much to clean. I started this feeling excited about it. But now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm in too deep but I can't get out, I made a promise to my only friend. I'm going to clean this house up before she moves in. I'm going to make it all work out.
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I want to know what people want to hear about. :o I have so much to talk about but I don't want to just rant. I haven't really written anything in years so I'm a bit out of touch and a bit rusty.

Distracted much?

 I keep forgetting this blog exists. I'm sorry! Life's been busy, I've been distracted, but things can finally start to calm down for me again.

I feel quite special knowing that I helped Lost and Tired (http://lostandtired.com/) with one of their ongoing problems- the confusion between their son Gavin's meltdowns vs what a typical "autism" meltdown is. Having explained they're more like tantrums helped them out greatly to reduce confusion, and he was really appreciative. I feel special. *blush*

On the upside of things as well, I might be getting some help for my social anxiety soon. I'm choosing to go the medication route, because honestly? I'm afraid of people I don't know. Why would I choose to subject myself to opening up my fears and concerns to a person who I don't know for them to "treat" me? If medication will calm me down and allow me to focus better on functioning properly and not feeling terrified, then by all means hand it over! I'll deal with the side effects if the benefits outweigh it.

I'm off to bed for the night, only to start taking on the giant task of cleaning out the spare bedroom completely. My friend might be moving in with us next month and so I really need to prepare the room ahead of time. It'll give me something to do, too!

Until next time. ♥

What a (sensory based) meltdown feels like.

I wrote this a while ago and need to revise it, but I figured I'd share it again because it's still true today.
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(This is simply written to give someone else a visual of what a sensory based meltdown feels like to me. This is a sensory meltdown, however, I also get emotional meltdowns which I explained in depth here: http://puzzlepiecesofsila.blogspot.com/p/meltdowns.html )


Close your eyes for a minute, and let your ears do the seeing for you. Now, focus in on every little sound in the background. Do you hear it? The baby’s cry somewhere behind you, the high pitched beep from the bus, and the sound of air releasing from the door being opened. That low pitched buzz or hum from electronics. All the people around you talking, laughing, whining or complaining. All of it whipping around in a mangled mess of sound. Now, imagine all of those sounds coming at you 10 times louder than they actually are. Every little sound throws your attention off, and makes your head spin and pound as if you had just come off a roller coaster. What are you to do? What are you able to do? Nothing... Nothing but try and make do with what you have. Nothing but a backpack and a pad of paper to let your frustrations and cries out on. You can't physically cry now.. No. People are watching, laughing and talking. They assume you're just tired, but in reality you're already on the verge of a melt down from sounds alone. Your skin starts to feel like it's being stabbed with needles repeatedly. Your neck, your wrists... Your shirt is too tight; the tag you forgot to rip out is burning. Your jeans don't fit right, and the seam is riding up and itching your legs and ankles. Yet everyone around you looks at you as if you're crazy...

This is your daily life. The lightest bump against your skin makes it crawl and makes you cringe. Yet you hide this from others in fear of being “weird” again. Bright lights in a room cause you big pain, yet you’re too shy to ask for them to be dimmed or turned off; too scared to ask for help. Many a shirt have been ripped and ruined in the midst of a meltdown, when frantically you have to tear off the tags and any loose strings because your skin feels as if it’s on fire. Alone, sitting in your room; clothes ripped off and a fan blowing at you to an angle- you’re on overload right now. All lights are out except for a little bit of sunlight (or moonlight as it often is) as you cling to your favorite blanket and try to calm down- but the texture of the carpet makes you feel like crying or yelling out even more- especially if it brushes your feet. What are you supposed to do, when the simplest things make life tougher than it should be?

'I toughed it out at Disney, despite all the very loud sounds, bright flashing lights, and horrible smells. I toughed it out when I went down Splash Mountain and got splashed in the face with water- I HAD to wipe my face directly after, but I couldn’t let go of the seat in fear I’d fall out of the ride. The only comforting part of the day was the few breaks we got to take, when I bought an ice cream to help soothe me. I nearly cried when the train’s brakes squealed and emitted a very high pitched squeal. 4 times during the day did I hear that- maybe even more. I wanted to scream, but for the sake of my friends I held it back. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I be NORMAL?'

You give an audible sigh and exhale, slinking down in your room and closing your tired eyes. You’re calming down now, after a tough day of school. Even though college is filled with more adults than children, it’s still hard to bear through the blinding fluorescent lights, the professor droning on and on about things you don’t even care about, and the myriad of other annoyances. Not to mention the bus ride home is just as worse, if not more, than the bus ride to school in the first place. Walking inside the door, you shy your head away from the television because as much as you want to watch something, the buzzing from the electricity and the static just make your headache even worse.

You toughed it out at middle and high school, too. Sensory hell conveniently squeezed in a tight compact building full of kids. Lunch time and in between periods was the worst of it all. There must’ve been hundreds of kids running, climbing, pushing themselves through a small hallway all going different directions. If you even tried to walk through there was no doubt you’d get bumped by a stranger- which would send you into a weird feeling for the rest of the day. Rubbing the spot where you brushed against someone else furiously, you can’t seem to shake the feeling that something is wrong- but how to fix it?

When the smell of food cooking makes you nauseous… how is one supposed to eat? Or cook? You can only plug your nose for so long before you have to breathe normally again… and if you plug your nose physically in front of the person, you insult them/their cooking, when that isn’t the case. Waking up to the smell of bacon and eggs in the morning is enough to make any normal person excited, but for you it made you crawl under the 4 comforters on your bed and hide your face under them, no matter how hot it was. You did not want to wake up and “smell the coffee”- rather, you wanted to hide from it and not smell it at all.


'What’s a person supposed to do when the daily things everyone has to go through makes you want to break down and cry? You wonder, I crave hugs and cuddles but if someone touches me too lightly I jump, cringe, or whimper. I search for answers, but all I could come up with was OCD… but I have no compulsive thoughts or even obsessions… so what is the answer? What am I supposed to do...? '

List of things

Taken from somewhere else, copied and pasted for now and later I'll edit it up. Most of this is exactly how I feel~ x3

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'I Have Autism..and this is what I need and want'.........



I want to be loved and accepted.

I wish others to tell me that it’s wonderful that I was born.

I need to see others talking about how happy they are with knowing and living with people with Autism, not despite of Autism and not only knowing suffering.

I don’t want to be seen as the source of my loved ones suffering. I want to know I don’t ruin anyone’s life, I don’t want to be a burden.

When I finally manage to gather my strength to tell you something, listen and know all the effort that costs me, respect what I have to say even if you don’t understand.

 If I think or feel differently it doesn’t mean I am wrong, it doesn’t mean you are wrong, it means that there is not right way of perceiving the world and that my brain works in a particular way.

Do not deny what I feel, do not think I am lying if you don’t understand.
 Don’t dismiss things as me being too sensitive or irrational.
Validate my experiences.
If I can’t hug you it doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I am insensitive.
If I don’t talk it doesn’t mean I am being rude.

If I don’t talk it doesn’t mean I can’t listen.

Communication is difficult, talking is really difficult.

If I look angry, it’s not always something I can control.

I can’t always control the tone of my voice, I may sound angry when I am not.

Know I can only focus on one thing at a time and changing focus is hard.

If I am happy and really liking a subject don’t say I am obsessed and that this is wrong.

Things that are easy and automatic for you are difficult and need concentration and effort for me, be patient if I take longer or don’t do something.

Don’t laugh at my fears, there is no universal notion of scary, just because something doesn’t scare you it doesn’t mean my fear is silly or funny.

When I want to comfort you I normally don’t know how, believe I am more worried for you than you can think.

I need to know I have a right to exist, a right to be here, a right to be who I am with Autism and all. I can’t be forced to act as someone else. Don’t tell me that everything I do is wrong, that you think every way I act it’s weird, don’t laugh of the things I do, don’t expect that I change everything I need to change for you to think I am worthy of being respected as human.

I need to be taught self-love, pride, self-respect and self-esteem, not how to look others in the eye.

I need to know there is no normal.

I need your patience when I cannot do things or when I do not understand something. Just because you don’t see a difficulty it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

I need to know that it’s a good thing I am the way I am.

I need to know that it’s okay to have Autism, that I am not doing anything wrong, that I am not wrong, I am not flawed.

I want to know that you don’t think having a ‘normal’ child is better.

I am not a broken version of a normal me. I don’t want to be someone that you want to replace with a ‘normal’ person.

If we disagree I will respect you, do the same because people are different, we think differently, we have different opinions, but respect needs to be for all.

I want to honour the beauty and joy Autism brings without denying the struggles.

I wish to be loved not despite Autism, but loved as me, loved just the way I am.

Understand I have a life to be lived, with Autism. Better to embrace it then to fight it.

Accepting Autism, accepting myself as I am is the most satisfying feeling I know.

I know good things and see beauty because of Autism.

My suffering from others attitude is deeper than any frustration that Autism brings.

Autism is part of me and it molds me, if I wish to love myself, I must accept having Autism.

I need to know that you would never change the fact I was born.

I need to know that it’s okay, and things will be fine somehow, that I am beautiful this way and I have a beauty in the deep way I see and feel the world. ♥