As if it's not already obvious by my other posts, I struggle with
anxiety. Day to day basis, to be honest. There's not more than a few
hours a day that go by without me anxiously worrying over something or
another. I don't get the physical symptoms daily unless something comes
up (such as needing to leave the house and interact with people), but
I'm constantly worrying and obsessing.
But
these aren't the "good" obsessions. They're not the fun obsessive
interests that calm me down and let me feel like me, or that get things
done. These are the ones that tear me apart inside. I will obsess over
the tiniest of details leading up to an event until it actually happens,
and only then will I either calm down or go into overdrive and near
panic mode. Usually the latter, I've just gotten a bit better at masking
it over time. If I don't obsess, then I am much much more likely to
break down or meltdown into a full anxiety attack. Hyperventilating,
sobbing, stimming and difficulty speaking included. Feels like I got run
over by a truck.
Let's take last week as an example. I was
referred to a therapist for my social anxiety, but we had to sit down
and talk about what exactly my anxiety encompassed. I had no clue what
to expect when I got there. I was referred to see someone named
'Travis', but I ended up getting 'Autumn'. I didn't know if the lady I
briefly talked to on the phone was going to be my therapist. I assumed
she was a secretary.
I knew I wanted to bring up the
Aspergers thing with the therapist (which I had thought was an actual
psychologist until I got there.) So I proceeded to obsess over what I
needed to bring, knowing that I could go partially verbal at the
appointment, or stim so much that I'd be barely understood. I ended up
printing out over 20 pages of material (Basically the Autism Quotient
test and the Aspie quiz from rdos, with my results included). I then sat
there and commented on every single question, giving examples of
situations where this or that happened. How I react to certain things.
How this trait or that trait displayed in me. I then obsessed heavily
over how it was going to happen. I talked to a few people, panicked on
them, and went back to my hidey hole and continued to obsess. I didn't
listen to their advice because I was scared and couldn't handle it. I
created scripts in my head of what I was going to say and how I was
going to say it. What their response would be, and then my response to
their response. I fell asleep thinking these things, even. I obsessed
over how the room would look like, if it'd smell okay or if I'd be
gagging from a strong fake scent. If the person would have an accent or
not, if I'd be able to open up to them, etc etc etc.
And by
the time I got there, I was such an anxious ball of a mess that when she
called me in I immediately tripped over the chair's footrest and then
sat there shaking. I couldn't lean back and relax if I even wanted to. I
bounced my leg nervously. I wrung my wrists, chewed on my fingers until
they were raw. My fingernails barely exist at this point. and it felt
like there was peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth when I tried
to speak. She said I seemed very articulate, ironically enough. I guess
all the years of practicing and hiding might've paid off, or hindered
me. I hope not the latter.
I ended up not even using the
papers at all. I will save them for a later date. I am not too good at
answering questions on the spot, so some of the questions that were
asked I feel that I didn't answer correctly because of the pressure. I
have had physical symptoms related to my anxiety. I get upset stomachs
frequently, bowl issues, and headaches almost weekly. I've had my own
weird version of panic attacks ,where I either shut down and am unable
to do much other than say a few things and pass out in bed for hours, or
I break down into a meltdown and end up crying and stuttering so much
I'm stuck just repeating the same phrases over and over. I don't have
the typical panic attacks where I feel like I'm going to die or pass out
or something. But I do end up having a reaction to a peak in anxiety
that I can't control. It's difficult to explain in words.
I
will be seeing the therapist again next wednesday...and I have things to
bring up again that I forgot about last time. Maybe I'll just bring
this post in.
Oh, and what happens if I don't
mentally prepare for all these things? Then we get me sitting there in
front of the person trying my best to not breakdown into an anxiety
attack. Like what happened when I had to go get an ultrasound to check
for cysts. *sigh* It's difficult..
