I'm starting to trust my therapist more.

Well I saw my therapist today and I brought up a lot of hard things with her. I told her about being tired of a bunch of stuff, like taking the world's weight on my shoulders and not helping myself. Like getting overwhelmed and shutting down a lot. etc. We have a lot to work on, but I'm hopeful. She really 'gets' me and it's such a new feeling, to have someone really understand me.

She wants to watch clips of videos or t.v shows with me, so I can try to process the subtle nonverbal cues in the actors and compare my observations to hers, so we can see where I'm weak at and where she can help.

So much to work on though.
Being able to taking criticism.
Sticking up for myself.
Learning social 'cues' like body language, expressions, etc..
Setting boundaries so I'm not taking everyone else's problems as well as my own.
Creating a healthy routine...

She also thinks that I could be over critical of myself, and observing things that I'm not even aware of. I'm not so sure what she meant by that, we didn't have enough time to go into it.

She encouraged me to call her if I need to. She does every week. I always have trouble calling her but it's something I need to try and work on.

She said she's glad to see how motivated I am to work on things. And she was super glad for the present I made her- I made a little 'therapy coupon book' that she could use on me. Things like proper use of eye contact or initiating a phone call, or entry into "forbidden territory", one more probing question, etc. She loved it and said she'd have to re-use the idea herself.  :blush:

I have the next 2 weeks off without her, but I think I'll manage. I will call her if I need to, but I can also email. I might call her instead because I can't read her tone over email and it kinda scares me sometimes, she's a lot more personable over voice. Her voice calms me a bit.

Tired.

I’m tired of shutting down.
I’m tired of getting overwhelmed and overloaded by every day occurrences or situations.
I’m tired of feeling like I have to prove myself to the people around me in order to be taken seriously.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders while trying to carry my own baggage too.
I’m tired of being so depressed that I just don’t feel anymore. Not feeling is scary. Scarier than crying in front of someone, which is really scary.
I’m tired of this 24/7 brain fog. Not being able to get the words out. Not remembering what I want to say. Not being able to say what I need to say.
I’m tired of stuttering and having trouble with enunciating words. I feel it, I hear it, but no one else does. My therapist doesn’t even notice it. How?
I’m tired of things being awkward and uncomfortable around my only friends.
I’m tired of falling behind more and more. I can’t drive. I can’t go to the store alone. I can barely take the bus alone.
I’m tired of trying to read in between the lines and not being able to understand how to.
I’m tired of trying so hard and not being heard. Not being taken seriously.
I’m tired of being belittled.
I’m just tired of it all.

Anxiety.
Depression.
Pain.
Constantly.
I wish I didn’t have the gut wrenching sinking spinning feeling every moment of my life about the smallest possible things. Picking up a phone. Even THINKING about picking up a phone. Talking to my therapist about important topics. Talking to the cashier. Thinking about all the things I need to do but can’t do. Worrying about everything that might happen, how it’ll happen, if it’ll happen.
I don’t want to fall to my old habits of spinning the conversations off topic when I’m talking to my therapist.
Or  to act like things aren’t as bad as they really are.
But I do this all the time because it’s habit and it’s a protective thing I’ve learned over the years.
Pretend you’re fine and people won’t bother you.
Right?
Not when I’m really feeling like I have to hold everyone around me up with their problems.
But my problems fall to the wayside.
No one understands, no one cares. The only people in my immediate surroundings who do care are my boyfriend and therapist.
It’s not that I perceive them as not caring. It’s that I know they don’t care. They do not understand. They prove to me every day they don’t. My mom especially.
“See it’s not that hard. You’re learning kid.” I’m not a ‘kid’, I’m 21. I’m not “learning” how to make a phone call- I know pretty dang well how to make a phone call. My anxiety will not LET me without making me feel like I’m going to curl up and die right then and there. It’s physical just as much as it is mental.
“How will you ever get a job if you can’t even handle the store?”
“Why don’t you just go back to college and stop being lazy?”
Etc.
I can’t count how many times I’ve broken down in a sobbing ball on her bed just pouring my heart out with everything until I finally become nonverbal from the pure stress. Until all I can do is bite my fingers and wish I could curl up and stop the pounding headaches and the tears and the overwhelming everything. All she can say is “I don’t know what to do.”
I’ve been trying all the techniques and tools my therapist taught me to try and control the racing thoughts and the ever growing anxiety, but they’re so minimally helpful. I do them anyways but I feel like I’m just hiding from the inevitable. Deep breathing, mindfulness, grounding. It only helps so little. It slows my heart down for half a minute and then the anxiety is back in full force.
A bigger breakdown is coming, and I’m not sure how I’ll come out of it. How long can I postpone it from happening, and how much worse will it get if I do postpone?   
Sorry it’s so long. Just a lot of things on my mind and no outlet. -sigh-

Sorry, I poofed.

I guess I forgot to update. I kinda lost motivation again. These things happen.

Stuff has been on and off okay and not okay. Black friday was horrible for me, I went shopping with my bf and his stepbrothers and I shut down in the store. Badly. It's super scary to shut down in the middle of a crowded store and not be able to find your partner, not be able to find an exit, or even find your feet. I was stuck in place last time it happened, and it wasn't until people physically pushed me out of the aisle was I then grabbed by my boyfriend and was able to 'come back'... I'm thankful that he understands as much as he does, and tries his best to look out for me. But i don't want to have to be dependent on him for even simple tasks like grocery shopping. I wish I was even remotely independent.

Things were okay for a little while after that. I got to see my therapist again after not seeing her for 2 weeks. That made me feel better.

This weekend though things took a nose dive. My dog had a seizure and it seemed to re-traumatize me all over again. The last time I felt a dog in my arms like that, it was my dog of 13 yrs passing away...And before that it was my puppy of 2 months old passing away...

Thankfully my dog is fine and acting like normal. But I can't get the images out of my head. I can't get the thoughts out. I broke down into an hour long anxiety attack that same night. I couldn't breathe very easily, I couldn't get a deep breath in. I couldn't stop worrying. I felt so out of control, I felt like calling a crisis hotline for help. But i was frozen in place, I couldn't really bring myself to move from where I was at. It lasted for almost an hour, with multiple people online trying to help me out.

I'm now thinking about service dog with a lot more consideration. There's many tasks it could help me out with.

 providing deep pressure to stave off meltdowns, to help bring me out of meltdowns, physically blocking people from getting too close in stores or public transit, alerting me to people coming up from behind (i startle way too easily and it screws with my anxiety badly), finding the exit or finding someone (bob, mom, friend) when i've shutdown...

Therapy today was good.

We touched upon a lot of things... I'm still very new to the therapy process in general, so we're kinda figuring things out as they go along with what works and what may need to be changed.

Two weeks ago I started writing in a journal daily for how I felt, how things were going, etc. Last week I wasn't so bad with being overly wordy, this week I was. She didn't mind- she was glad that I was writing. But it took up too much of our time and she felt bad that most of it was just discussing the week, not what I felt needed to be talked about currently. But it was okay, I've figured out that I'll continue to write but I'll scan it in 2 days or so before the appt, email it, and I'll let her read it on her own time.

We touched upon quite a few things. Flashbacks, my relationships with people, being triggered, etc. I'm writing it all down now before I forget later...as my memory likes to do with me.


She was glad to hear that my SO has been figuring out how to help calm me down when I get triggered. She's also learning just what triggers me, and how to watch out for it. Talking about past CSA obviously is a trigger, but more than that- any time I start feeling very scared or emotionally overwhelmed, I react as if I'm back in the situation when I was 4. It was an eye opener...and it made sense. She explained to me that people who represent my dad will probably always trigger me, I can't control what appearance those emotions are tied to. BUT I can control how I react to being triggered, and help myself to overcome it safely. Right now I know how to comfort myself slightly afterwards, but not keep myself from spiraling out of control. More on that in a bit.

We talked about dreams and nightmares too. I had a few bad dreams within 2 nights, and so I wrote them down and showed them to her. She explained that dreams are our body/mind's way of processing things during the night. If a dream comes back or turns into a nightmare, it's likely that it's repeating some unprocessed emotions or events. They need to be resolved, so your mind can be at rest. Someone with a high level of anxiety and worries a lot during the day is more prone to nightmares because of all the unprocessed feelings that get shoved to the side during the day. She urged me to avoid watching the news, and try to keep writing it down if I get more of these bad dreams.

The last thing we touched upon for sure was my anxiety over the holidays...and how my bf's stepdad is a trigger back to my CSA AND to my current anxiety. He looks like him, uses fear to control, and gets drunk nightly- and he's an angry drunk. Controlling and imposing. She gave me tips on how to center myself if I get confronted again, and reminded me that these feelings didn't make me "broken", they were all valid feelings! I needed to hear that. I'm always so down on myself about it. She told me to call or email her if I need anything, and she'll get to me as soon as possible.

Small thing that was mentioned was that she was there to help me process all these things I feel, and learn how to react to them in a more effective way. She was quick to tell me that I'm learning quickly and I'm already making some progress- I went from being afraid of being touched by any stranger/someone not super close to me, to allowing myself hugs from her and feeling safe and centered while getting the hug. It shows that I'm getting more comfortable- which to me is both scary but good.
I finally remembered the other important thing...We talked about the art I showed her...even though I was afraid to show it.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/6uastuodlf...malresized.png

She loved the picture, but we went through and discussed why I was feeling the words etched into the background. She then said that with 100% certainty she can name several good qualities about me that would prove I'm not "broken"...Such as having a significant other, having a circle of friends, and having online circles I can go to..But I said I don't function in society as well as I want to. The key words were "as well as I want to". I do function in society to an extent- I can leave the house to do errands, and I started college, etc. She said it's okay to be different, and that she herself would rather be "different and unique" than "normal and the same", and that it's alright to feel different. I said I like being unique, but not different to the point of disabling. I can't even feign relationships with people in order to get things 'done', such as study buddies for college. Relationships that serve a purpose and only that purpose.


At the very end when we both got up to walk out, I stopped for half a second kinda waiting for her to walk first and 'lead the way' since I need guidance for the smallest of things like that...and she turned to me, opened her arms wide and said 'Hug!!' all excitedly, and gave me a big hug. I melted for the split second and said thank you at least 5 times. I felt loved. I'll miss her next week, but I'll probably call her at some point.

Disappointed in myself. :/

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day, but I feel this is going to be a continuing lingering cloud over my head for a while.

I disappointed myself today. I hurt a new friend without trying to. I hit a big argument with my mom and was scared and hurt. I didn't feel safe in my room because the argument was going on in my room and things were getting rough. I went online to a chatroom where I had recently become friends with someone who was really nice. He tried to offer suggestions, and I gave excuses because I didn't honestly see any other way out. I somehow dumbed the situation down after it happened, and gave the impression that I was blowing it off as if it was nothing even though it was a big situation just moments before. I hurt him because I reminded him of something painful in his past. Now he has to distance himself from me.

I feel disappointed. Upset, and depressed. Looking at an expressions chart, I can also say that I'm feeling guilty, ashamed, and lonely. I struggle with new friendships a lot. I cannot find an even balance in my life with them. I either don't talk to the 'new friend' at all for a while, or I latch onto them and swarm them unintentionally. I don't mean to. I just don't know how to be friends and not spend all my time with them. I think that I'm unintentionally trying to get something from friendships that I never got out of a parental relationship. But I feel like I'm  manipulating people too. and I want it to stop. I want to have "normal" friendships with people. I don't want to push them away, or hurt them, or make them feel uncomfortable. And I don't want to feel like something is wrong just because I spent so much time with them for like a week, and then suddenly they started to lower the amount of time they talk with me. I want to be able to do this. But I don't know how. :/

Mood diary

I've started a mood log of sorts with my therapist. I went out and bought a special journal book and I've been writing things down in it.

I had a bit of a hard time last night though. We hit a trigger (my bf and I) and I ended up crying and breaking down for several minutes, unstable. I was able to pull through, but it was rough and I ended up sleeping until 3 p.m today. I'm going to stay up all night probably and then try to fix it tomorrow. (Sleep schedule that is).

I have 5 watchers. lol. Do any of you have any questions or anything?

Oh god I slacked. lol

With Hurricane sandy going through, I spent all week focusing on the storm that I forgot to update my blog.

I also ended up going to therapy unprepared and without anything to specifically talk about myself. So I was a nervous wreck going in.

But my therapist is great and led the way for me, which made it so much easier. We talked about a lot of things, covering a lot of ground. She wanted me to try and think of different scenarios that I'm likely to be anxious in, and I was able to give a few. Trying to understand my way of thinking though is difficult. I am unaware of my triggers until I actually get triggered- but then I detach and can't remember it. So to try and combat the detachment, I'm going to be doing a mood diary. This'll be interesting. She encourages me to draw or write whatever I want in it. So I'm going to go to the store later and find a nice book that I can use only for that.

At the very end, I ran out of things to talk about because I had remembered as much as I could. We ran out of time anyway, so as we got up to leave I asked if I could give her a hug, and so she gave me one back. It really made me feel happy and secure. Hugs are something that can be very comforting and reassuring to me sometimes.

Therapy again, doing better.

Back from therapy, feeling so much better tonight too. I forget just how understanding she actually is. She encourages me to write my feelings and thoughts out throughout the week and email them to her. She even understood when I told her that I really need her to help structure the therapy with me, I can't just go in blind because then I'll not get anything done. So we're working on goals, she thinks me working on the social anxiety primarily will be the most important thing, then a few other things on the side but whenever they come up. (Learning to accept emotions and learning how to handle them instead of detaching, learning to not be dependent on others emotionally but rather enjoy the give and takes of relationships/friendships, etc).

Productive day overall and I'm glad. She's also very sensitive and wants us to work together when things get rough, and if we hit a topic I can't talk about right then and there, we can move on to a different topic together.

My homework for the week is to identify as many personal triggers as I can, especially for my anxiety. This will be a very hard week but hopefully helpful. We touched upon a few rough moments, but we also had our fair share of funny ones too.

Depression hits again. Hard. (WARNING: triggering possible..)

(Warning ahead of time, this post is going to be relatively heavy. I'm going through a tough time and I'm not going to lie or sugar coat the situation. There's talk of abuse, suicide, and self injury.)

Over the past week I've had a lot of time to just sit and think about things after my friend dropped contact with me. The past, the present, my feelings and thoughts. For as long as I can remember I've "coped" with things by just distraction or distancing myself from my thoughts alone. When that fails, I do fall and my mood crashes. Before I had people in my life to help me, I used to get really low. I never considered self injury or suicide because of my morals and goals in life. I've used distraction for years to handle so many things, such as getting depressed.


When I was in counseling as a child I remember shutting down whenever I was asked how I felt about the abuse, or about my dad being gone, etc. I ended up changing the subject and talking about whatever was easier- at the time that was playing with Uno cards or something else. I often avoided the topic because it was too hard to talk about, and I never felt I could trust any of my counselors. I lost track of how many counselors I had.

Fast forward to now, and I had almost convinced myself that I put it behind for good, that it didn't hurt anymore and I escaped unscathed. I thought I had won the inner battle, basically. But now that it feels like my friend betrayed my trust and abandoned me, it opened up the wounds again. I'm terrified of being abandoned by people, especially once I get to know them and love them. She was one of the few people I felt that I could talk to about anything, and I did. I managed to tear down emotional barriers and finally felt comfortable, and then this has happened and I feel depressed. It brings me back to all the times I've been abandoned by people who I trusted...namely my dad who broke every bit of trust I ever had in him. (And then proceeded to figuratively rip my heart apart again when he sent me a birthday card on my 16th. It basically told me that writing him letters back was more important than me struggling to keep myself sane in school, on top of trying to learn how to make friends and keep my grades up. That's a whole other story..)


I thought, Friday, that I'd be able to put it aside and move on and just wait it out, see if she'd come back. But after my party on Saturday, things calmed down and I had more time to just sit and think and so I'm feeling down about it again. :( I'm feeling upset partially because of her, but also going back to the abuse. I never talked to anyone about it really, any more than i was made to. It's always hurt too much, and I used to break into tears by just thinking about it. I feel like I've distanced myself from my emotions over time, and I never learned how to handle it.

I don't know what to do. :( I have until Wednesday for my therapy appointment and I'm not sure what my therapist will want to say or talk about.

Unreal.

I just realized this.

I'm finally heading down the path that I've been wanting to take for years.

YEARS.

Years ago I wanted to get evaluated for ADHD. Years ago I wanted to find out what was "wrong" with me. I wanted help but I had no clue how to do it.

Years down the road, here I am. I have a therapist, and I'm going to have a psychiatrist soon. I'm going to be getting an evaluation for ADHD and an official evaluation for Aspergers, I hope. I want official records so that I can get the help I need. Confirmation is nice and all, I already know that I'm on the spectrum- there's no doubt about it. But I need the services.

And yet here I am, I'm going to be getting an official evaluation. Possibly further therapy, possibly medication, to finally combat all that's given me hell and held me back.

It's unreal that I've even made it this far, let alone farther.

I'm almost afraid of what my potential is, when i'm not held back as badly by my attention span, my anxiety, my constant on the go mind. it's scary to think about.

More on meltdowns. (As well as falling behind)

I meant to post this last night but I forgot. Below it is today's post, combined into one because I didnt feel like spamming.

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Everyone grows up faster than me. I've felt like this before, like people grow up, and like I don't, and I get left behind. I don't know how to adjust to adult life. When I was younger, I was known for being particularly mature, now, as a young adult, I feel trapped between being a child and an adult, where other people my age are making this transition, and I'm stuck behind, unable to follow.I don't know how to take care of myself. I don't know how to do things that others find simple. As I've been getting older, my challenges have been becoming more apparent, because being in school was easy for me, but this isn't. And watching around me, other people aren't having this. They went through, they had discomfort as a teenager, they are still not entirely settled as young adults, but they are settling into adult life, getting jobs, and taking care of themselves. They're growing up.I'm not. I'm stuck here. And I'm left behind.I've felt left behind here at a few points in the past - I didn't grow up the same as other already. My friends from high school grew up before me. They grew up when they went to college in ways I didn't, and when they made new friends, I only found Bob, and when they started jobs, I hadn't, and they're ahead of me in life.

Mostly copypasted from a friend's blog because of how much I relate to it. Changed up a couple things, but the base remains.

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I finally decided to write up a post describing the differences in meltdowns… The newest one is copypasted from a letter to my therapist, so keep that in mind as you read:
http://puzzlepiecesofsila.blogspot.com/p/meltdowns.html

Most people when they think of meltdowns think of the temper tantrum-like meltdowns their children give them, or the sensory based ones. Here is my view on 2 other types of meltdowns other than sensory based. These are the most problematic for me and prevent me from doing a lot of things others my age can.
—–
The 2 most common causes for me to meltdown revolve around the inability to prioritize or organize thoughts, tasks, and emotions well and emotional overload.
Being unable to organize my thoughts or tasks (basically executive functioning) can be very problematic but isn’t as common lately since I haven’t been in college for a few months.
When they do happen, it’s usually related to having a big task ahead of me, but having a difficult time figuring out how to start on it. Sometimes I’ll manage to begin but I’ll start breaking down in the middle of it because I get confused or distracted a lot and lose my focus and train of thought or pattern/routine. (A good example of this was how putting away laundry took me several hours, because I couldn’t figure out where to put certain pieces of clothing at or how to fold them right. When there was leftover trash and misc objects laying around the floor, I couldn’t start picking it up until my friend came in and helped “jumpstart” the process.) I’m a smart person, I know this, but I have issues organizing my thoughts, starting on tasks and following through to the end. This becomes a HUGE problem when I’m in school. I become completely unable to retain information that I learned that day, and I’ll spend hours on a single question for homework until I’m up at 7 a.m trying to finish a worksheet due the next day. Combine that with anxiety with asking for help and I start “melting down” and breaking down into tears in frustration. These happen frequently when I’m in school and are problematic because it becomes a catch 22.
The emotional based meltdowns occur when I get overwhelmed from feeling my own emotions “too strong” and instead of being able to calm down and focus, I’ll get overloaded/overwhelmed by them and breakdown. I can’t easily organize my thoughts and calm down before I get to the breakdown point. When they happen, they’re incredibly hard to rebound from.
Usually during these, my ability to talk kinda diminishes. It becomes really hard to communicate verbally effectively. I end up repeating the same phrases over and over, and any attempt at really speaking gets muffled out by the tears. These are most likely to happen during my therapy sessions, and I’m very scared of them happening because of how bad they feel and how vulnerable I feel during them (it’s not even an issue of trust at that point, I just hate feeling that low.) When and if it happens, moving to text-based communication will greatly help and likely reduce the duration of the worst part of it.

For sensory based meltdowns in first person view click here.

Meltdown.

Saturday night. I had a full out meltdown/anxiety attack over thoughts that creeped into my mind...Thinking the worst just because no one contacted me. Mom went to go meet someone new an hour and a half away, but didn't call me at night to tell me she was okay. Over time I started to think the worst...so I called her phone literally non stop for at least an hour. When she never replied I ended up breaking down sobbing...Bob couldn't console me, no one could. I started to think about what would happen if anything happened to my mom... Where would I go, what would happen to me... I can't make it out there alone right now. I wouldn't be able to. I'm still very much so dependant on my mom, and I don't even know if she realizes how much I do actually love her. It's difficult to express it right. I find hugs to be awkward. Saying 'I love you' is meaningless to me. It's just 3 words, how do they carry meaning? It's actions that do it for me. But I can't even do those 'right'. Ugh. At least she finally called me and I was able to settle down.

Transitions

Friday night, Oct 5th:
We're finally moving back into my bedroom. I'm up at 2 a.m still, not sure if I want to try and sleep or not because my room is organized different now. Bob decided that he wanted a visual change and so we moved the bed away from where it used to be. And we have a different dresser in there too. I might just stay up until my mom wakes up and I'll steal her bed for the night. :/ If I go to bed in my room, I'll need melatonin to get to sleep. Otherwise I'll be up tossing and turning and my mind will be going a million miles a minute until I pass out from exhaustion, only to wake up a few hours later. This is how it is with me and transitions. I wasn't expecting to suddenly move into my room in one night. I wanted to stagger it over the course of a few days. But Bob doesn't work like that, and he moved everything in already, so I just have to deal with it.

edit: 2:43 a.m: I'm too tired to stay up. Too hot to stay clothed. Gunna go in my room and crawl under my weighted blanket and try to sleep. Why must transitions be so difficult? :c

Goals, moving forward.

Had another talk with my therapist tonight. Things are going over pretty well actually. I discussed my plans for going back into college and she's very supportive. She thinks that we can go to the student disability center and have them help give me the aid I need. Written notes, a quiet section to study at, a way to ask for help without needing to verbally ask, and a reduced course load.

I really drove in the fact that I have very sensitive hearing, above all other sensory issues. My hearing is the most affected. When I explained that I get distracted by the simple sound of someone writing on paper, that even with noise reducing earbuds I was able to hear the sounds of machinery and conversations in mcdonalds as well as hear the radio and pick out what song was playing. I can get headaches from the noise of the dishwasher and hear it across the room even. She said that it's no wonder I have anxiety issues, the constant fear of noises definitely doesn't help.

I explained the difficulty with transitions, and how anxiety about certain situations will linger even after the moment has come and gone. She seems really interested in that, and wants me to write down any specific transitions that I handle and wants to know just how I handle it and how i react.

Overall I think things are going to work out well in the long run, it's just going to take a while to really overcome some of these issues.

Appointment afterthoughts.

I'm bad at this. :v I talked the lady's ear off the entire time, she got to meet my bf and learn a bit more about me. She got to see all my nervous stims in person, including how I tear my nails apart and wring my fingers n such together. I told her about how I obsessively think over things, and she understands how having knowledge can lower anxiety but how there's better coping skills that i can learn and use. I explained a little about my obsessive interests though and how I'm generally happy about them. I did forget to mention that those include weather and music. I'll have to go back and detail it some more. I'm so exhausted right now though.. I'm probably going to go to bed and just sleep all night. :| Socializing is so difficult..

Short post for tonight, maybe longer one to come tomorrow if I remember enough.

When anxiety leads to negative obsession.

As if it's not already obvious by my other posts, I struggle with anxiety. Day to day basis, to be honest. There's not more than a few hours a day that go by without me anxiously worrying over something or another. I don't get the physical symptoms daily unless something comes up (such as needing to leave the house and interact with people), but I'm constantly worrying and obsessing.
But these aren't the "good" obsessions. They're not the fun obsessive interests that calm me down and let me feel like me, or that get things done. These are the ones that tear me apart inside. I will obsess over the tiniest of details leading up to an event until it actually happens, and only then will I either calm down or go into overdrive and near panic mode. Usually the latter, I've just gotten a bit better at masking it over time. If I don't obsess, then I am much much more likely to break down or meltdown into a full anxiety attack. Hyperventilating, sobbing, stimming and difficulty speaking included. Feels like I got run over by a truck.
Let's take last week as an example. I was referred to a therapist for my social anxiety, but we had to sit down and talk about what exactly my anxiety encompassed. I had no clue what to expect when I got there. I was referred to see someone named 'Travis', but I ended up getting 'Autumn'. I didn't know if the lady I briefly talked to on the phone was going to be my therapist. I assumed she was a secretary.

I knew I wanted to bring up the Aspergers thing with the therapist (which I had thought was an actual psychologist until I got there.) So I proceeded to obsess over what I needed to bring, knowing that I could go partially verbal at the appointment, or stim so much that I'd be barely understood. I ended up printing out over 20 pages of material (Basically the Autism Quotient test and the Aspie quiz from rdos, with my results included). I then sat there and commented on every single question, giving examples of situations where this or that happened. How I react to certain things. How this trait or that trait displayed in me. I then obsessed heavily over how it was going to happen. I talked to a few people, panicked on them, and went back to my hidey hole and continued to obsess. I didn't listen to their advice because I was scared and couldn't handle it. I created scripts in my head of what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. What their response would be, and then my response to their response. I fell asleep thinking these things, even. I obsessed over how the room would look like, if it'd smell okay or if I'd be gagging from a strong fake scent. If the person would have an accent or not, if I'd be able to open up to them, etc etc etc.
And by the time I got there, I was such an anxious ball of a mess that when she called me in I immediately tripped over the chair's footrest and then sat there shaking. I couldn't lean back and relax if I even wanted to. I bounced my leg nervously. I wrung my wrists, chewed on my fingers until they were raw. My fingernails barely exist at this point. and it felt like there was peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth when I tried to speak. She said I seemed very articulate, ironically enough. I guess all the years of practicing and hiding might've paid off, or hindered me. I hope not the latter.

I ended up not even using the papers at all. I will save them for a later date. I am not too good at answering questions on the spot, so some of the questions that were asked I feel that I didn't answer correctly because of the pressure. I have had physical symptoms related to my anxiety. I get upset stomachs frequently, bowl issues, and headaches almost weekly. I've had my own weird version of panic attacks ,where I either shut down and am unable to do much other than say a few things and pass out in bed for hours, or I break down into a meltdown and end up crying and stuttering so much I'm stuck just repeating the same phrases over and over. I don't have the typical panic attacks where I feel like I'm going to die or pass out or something. But I do end up having a reaction to a peak in anxiety that I can't control. It's difficult to explain in words.
I will be seeing the therapist again next wednesday...and I have things to bring up again that I forgot about last time. Maybe I'll just bring this post in.

Oh, and what happens if I don't mentally prepare for all these things? Then we get me sitting there in front of the person trying my best to not breakdown into an anxiety attack. Like what happened when I had to go get an ultrasound to check for cysts. *sigh* It's difficult..

Obsession.

Shamelessly admitting that I am obsessed with tracking this tropical storm/hurricane. I live here in Florida and I'm halfway wanting it to hit nearer to us so we have all the weather and the information and everything.

Keeping this brief to spare you all the details. But I'm all involved with this storm and also looking forward to the rest of the season. If I weren't so bad at math I'd be a meteorologist.

A bunch of scattered thoughts, for now.

I usually like to try and post "meaningful" posts. Whatever that means. But my mind is a mess of fleeting thoughts and so I figured I'd just put some of them down here for now. :P Some will probably be in lists, some might be in a paragraph or a sentence.
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I just got "done" cleaning today. And by cleaning I mean OCD-like going through the closet and the dresser in the spare room of all clothes, and separating each piece of clothing into their own little pile. Long sleeved shirts. Pajama shirts. Pajama bottoms. Jeans. Short sleeved shirts, shorts, dress shirts. And then separated into another pile. Clothes to be folded and put in the dresser. Clothes to be hung up. Clothes to be donated. Clothes to be thrown away.
And if anyone messes with my piles, I get frustrated. I'll grab my head and yell at them, without meaning to yell. I flap around until they leave my sight so I can fix it and continue. If one shirt gets unfolded, I have to refold it and all of the shirts that got knocked off the pile.

I ended up with 3 garbage bags full of clothes to be donated. My mind is now flipping out. What have I done. What have I thrown away. What if I need some of that again? Specifically one of my favorite blue shirts. It no longer fits me. But I really like that shirt. But I no longer wear it. So I donated it, but I still want it. @_@
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I still need a better title for my blog. Something that will 'stick', short and to the point.

I still have so much to clean. I started this feeling excited about it. But now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm in too deep but I can't get out, I made a promise to my only friend. I'm going to clean this house up before she moves in. I'm going to make it all work out.
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I want to know what people want to hear about. :o I have so much to talk about but I don't want to just rant. I haven't really written anything in years so I'm a bit out of touch and a bit rusty.

Distracted much?

 I keep forgetting this blog exists. I'm sorry! Life's been busy, I've been distracted, but things can finally start to calm down for me again.

I feel quite special knowing that I helped Lost and Tired (http://lostandtired.com/) with one of their ongoing problems- the confusion between their son Gavin's meltdowns vs what a typical "autism" meltdown is. Having explained they're more like tantrums helped them out greatly to reduce confusion, and he was really appreciative. I feel special. *blush*

On the upside of things as well, I might be getting some help for my social anxiety soon. I'm choosing to go the medication route, because honestly? I'm afraid of people I don't know. Why would I choose to subject myself to opening up my fears and concerns to a person who I don't know for them to "treat" me? If medication will calm me down and allow me to focus better on functioning properly and not feeling terrified, then by all means hand it over! I'll deal with the side effects if the benefits outweigh it.

I'm off to bed for the night, only to start taking on the giant task of cleaning out the spare bedroom completely. My friend might be moving in with us next month and so I really need to prepare the room ahead of time. It'll give me something to do, too!

Until next time. ♥

What a (sensory based) meltdown feels like.

I wrote this a while ago and need to revise it, but I figured I'd share it again because it's still true today.
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(This is simply written to give someone else a visual of what a sensory based meltdown feels like to me. This is a sensory meltdown, however, I also get emotional meltdowns which I explained in depth here: http://puzzlepiecesofsila.blogspot.com/p/meltdowns.html )


Close your eyes for a minute, and let your ears do the seeing for you. Now, focus in on every little sound in the background. Do you hear it? The baby’s cry somewhere behind you, the high pitched beep from the bus, and the sound of air releasing from the door being opened. That low pitched buzz or hum from electronics. All the people around you talking, laughing, whining or complaining. All of it whipping around in a mangled mess of sound. Now, imagine all of those sounds coming at you 10 times louder than they actually are. Every little sound throws your attention off, and makes your head spin and pound as if you had just come off a roller coaster. What are you to do? What are you able to do? Nothing... Nothing but try and make do with what you have. Nothing but a backpack and a pad of paper to let your frustrations and cries out on. You can't physically cry now.. No. People are watching, laughing and talking. They assume you're just tired, but in reality you're already on the verge of a melt down from sounds alone. Your skin starts to feel like it's being stabbed with needles repeatedly. Your neck, your wrists... Your shirt is too tight; the tag you forgot to rip out is burning. Your jeans don't fit right, and the seam is riding up and itching your legs and ankles. Yet everyone around you looks at you as if you're crazy...

This is your daily life. The lightest bump against your skin makes it crawl and makes you cringe. Yet you hide this from others in fear of being “weird” again. Bright lights in a room cause you big pain, yet you’re too shy to ask for them to be dimmed or turned off; too scared to ask for help. Many a shirt have been ripped and ruined in the midst of a meltdown, when frantically you have to tear off the tags and any loose strings because your skin feels as if it’s on fire. Alone, sitting in your room; clothes ripped off and a fan blowing at you to an angle- you’re on overload right now. All lights are out except for a little bit of sunlight (or moonlight as it often is) as you cling to your favorite blanket and try to calm down- but the texture of the carpet makes you feel like crying or yelling out even more- especially if it brushes your feet. What are you supposed to do, when the simplest things make life tougher than it should be?

'I toughed it out at Disney, despite all the very loud sounds, bright flashing lights, and horrible smells. I toughed it out when I went down Splash Mountain and got splashed in the face with water- I HAD to wipe my face directly after, but I couldn’t let go of the seat in fear I’d fall out of the ride. The only comforting part of the day was the few breaks we got to take, when I bought an ice cream to help soothe me. I nearly cried when the train’s brakes squealed and emitted a very high pitched squeal. 4 times during the day did I hear that- maybe even more. I wanted to scream, but for the sake of my friends I held it back. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I be NORMAL?'

You give an audible sigh and exhale, slinking down in your room and closing your tired eyes. You’re calming down now, after a tough day of school. Even though college is filled with more adults than children, it’s still hard to bear through the blinding fluorescent lights, the professor droning on and on about things you don’t even care about, and the myriad of other annoyances. Not to mention the bus ride home is just as worse, if not more, than the bus ride to school in the first place. Walking inside the door, you shy your head away from the television because as much as you want to watch something, the buzzing from the electricity and the static just make your headache even worse.

You toughed it out at middle and high school, too. Sensory hell conveniently squeezed in a tight compact building full of kids. Lunch time and in between periods was the worst of it all. There must’ve been hundreds of kids running, climbing, pushing themselves through a small hallway all going different directions. If you even tried to walk through there was no doubt you’d get bumped by a stranger- which would send you into a weird feeling for the rest of the day. Rubbing the spot where you brushed against someone else furiously, you can’t seem to shake the feeling that something is wrong- but how to fix it?

When the smell of food cooking makes you nauseous… how is one supposed to eat? Or cook? You can only plug your nose for so long before you have to breathe normally again… and if you plug your nose physically in front of the person, you insult them/their cooking, when that isn’t the case. Waking up to the smell of bacon and eggs in the morning is enough to make any normal person excited, but for you it made you crawl under the 4 comforters on your bed and hide your face under them, no matter how hot it was. You did not want to wake up and “smell the coffee”- rather, you wanted to hide from it and not smell it at all.


'What’s a person supposed to do when the daily things everyone has to go through makes you want to break down and cry? You wonder, I crave hugs and cuddles but if someone touches me too lightly I jump, cringe, or whimper. I search for answers, but all I could come up with was OCD… but I have no compulsive thoughts or even obsessions… so what is the answer? What am I supposed to do...? '

List of things

Taken from somewhere else, copied and pasted for now and later I'll edit it up. Most of this is exactly how I feel~ x3

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'I Have Autism..and this is what I need and want'.........



I want to be loved and accepted.

I wish others to tell me that it’s wonderful that I was born.

I need to see others talking about how happy they are with knowing and living with people with Autism, not despite of Autism and not only knowing suffering.

I don’t want to be seen as the source of my loved ones suffering. I want to know I don’t ruin anyone’s life, I don’t want to be a burden.

When I finally manage to gather my strength to tell you something, listen and know all the effort that costs me, respect what I have to say even if you don’t understand.

 If I think or feel differently it doesn’t mean I am wrong, it doesn’t mean you are wrong, it means that there is not right way of perceiving the world and that my brain works in a particular way.

Do not deny what I feel, do not think I am lying if you don’t understand.
 Don’t dismiss things as me being too sensitive or irrational.
Validate my experiences.
If I can’t hug you it doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I am insensitive.
If I don’t talk it doesn’t mean I am being rude.

If I don’t talk it doesn’t mean I can’t listen.

Communication is difficult, talking is really difficult.

If I look angry, it’s not always something I can control.

I can’t always control the tone of my voice, I may sound angry when I am not.

Know I can only focus on one thing at a time and changing focus is hard.

If I am happy and really liking a subject don’t say I am obsessed and that this is wrong.

Things that are easy and automatic for you are difficult and need concentration and effort for me, be patient if I take longer or don’t do something.

Don’t laugh at my fears, there is no universal notion of scary, just because something doesn’t scare you it doesn’t mean my fear is silly or funny.

When I want to comfort you I normally don’t know how, believe I am more worried for you than you can think.

I need to know I have a right to exist, a right to be here, a right to be who I am with Autism and all. I can’t be forced to act as someone else. Don’t tell me that everything I do is wrong, that you think every way I act it’s weird, don’t laugh of the things I do, don’t expect that I change everything I need to change for you to think I am worthy of being respected as human.

I need to be taught self-love, pride, self-respect and self-esteem, not how to look others in the eye.

I need to know there is no normal.

I need your patience when I cannot do things or when I do not understand something. Just because you don’t see a difficulty it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

I need to know that it’s a good thing I am the way I am.

I need to know that it’s okay to have Autism, that I am not doing anything wrong, that I am not wrong, I am not flawed.

I want to know that you don’t think having a ‘normal’ child is better.

I am not a broken version of a normal me. I don’t want to be someone that you want to replace with a ‘normal’ person.

If we disagree I will respect you, do the same because people are different, we think differently, we have different opinions, but respect needs to be for all.

I want to honour the beauty and joy Autism brings without denying the struggles.

I wish to be loved not despite Autism, but loved as me, loved just the way I am.

Understand I have a life to be lived, with Autism. Better to embrace it then to fight it.

Accepting Autism, accepting myself as I am is the most satisfying feeling I know.

I know good things and see beauty because of Autism.

My suffering from others attitude is deeper than any frustration that Autism brings.

Autism is part of me and it molds me, if I wish to love myself, I must accept having Autism.

I need to know that you would never change the fact I was born.

I need to know that it’s okay, and things will be fine somehow, that I am beautiful this way and I have a beauty in the deep way I see and feel the world. ♥

Fresh start.

After a few days of thinking, I'm off to a fresh start. Nothing major came up, but life has changed and I've gained more knowledge since I first started my older blog. I feel that the other one had turned into a dumping ground of depressive rants, instead of insightful posts I had intended to write.

Instead of just picking back up from where I left off, I'm starting fresh on a new page and new design. :3

I might take a few older posts and re-post them here but for the most part I'll be starting fresh.

This is me, Sila, and this is my life as I see it. There's many puzzle pieces that make up who I am, and my part of the autism spectrum.