Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Sorry, I poofed.

I guess I forgot to update. I kinda lost motivation again. These things happen.

Stuff has been on and off okay and not okay. Black friday was horrible for me, I went shopping with my bf and his stepbrothers and I shut down in the store. Badly. It's super scary to shut down in the middle of a crowded store and not be able to find your partner, not be able to find an exit, or even find your feet. I was stuck in place last time it happened, and it wasn't until people physically pushed me out of the aisle was I then grabbed by my boyfriend and was able to 'come back'... I'm thankful that he understands as much as he does, and tries his best to look out for me. But i don't want to have to be dependent on him for even simple tasks like grocery shopping. I wish I was even remotely independent.

Things were okay for a little while after that. I got to see my therapist again after not seeing her for 2 weeks. That made me feel better.

This weekend though things took a nose dive. My dog had a seizure and it seemed to re-traumatize me all over again. The last time I felt a dog in my arms like that, it was my dog of 13 yrs passing away...And before that it was my puppy of 2 months old passing away...

Thankfully my dog is fine and acting like normal. But I can't get the images out of my head. I can't get the thoughts out. I broke down into an hour long anxiety attack that same night. I couldn't breathe very easily, I couldn't get a deep breath in. I couldn't stop worrying. I felt so out of control, I felt like calling a crisis hotline for help. But i was frozen in place, I couldn't really bring myself to move from where I was at. It lasted for almost an hour, with multiple people online trying to help me out.

I'm now thinking about service dog with a lot more consideration. There's many tasks it could help me out with.

 providing deep pressure to stave off meltdowns, to help bring me out of meltdowns, physically blocking people from getting too close in stores or public transit, alerting me to people coming up from behind (i startle way too easily and it screws with my anxiety badly), finding the exit or finding someone (bob, mom, friend) when i've shutdown...

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