What a (sensory based) meltdown feels like.

I wrote this a while ago and need to revise it, but I figured I'd share it again because it's still true today.
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(This is simply written to give someone else a visual of what a sensory based meltdown feels like to me. This is a sensory meltdown, however, I also get emotional meltdowns which I explained in depth here: http://puzzlepiecesofsila.blogspot.com/p/meltdowns.html )


Close your eyes for a minute, and let your ears do the seeing for you. Now, focus in on every little sound in the background. Do you hear it? The baby’s cry somewhere behind you, the high pitched beep from the bus, and the sound of air releasing from the door being opened. That low pitched buzz or hum from electronics. All the people around you talking, laughing, whining or complaining. All of it whipping around in a mangled mess of sound. Now, imagine all of those sounds coming at you 10 times louder than they actually are. Every little sound throws your attention off, and makes your head spin and pound as if you had just come off a roller coaster. What are you to do? What are you able to do? Nothing... Nothing but try and make do with what you have. Nothing but a backpack and a pad of paper to let your frustrations and cries out on. You can't physically cry now.. No. People are watching, laughing and talking. They assume you're just tired, but in reality you're already on the verge of a melt down from sounds alone. Your skin starts to feel like it's being stabbed with needles repeatedly. Your neck, your wrists... Your shirt is too tight; the tag you forgot to rip out is burning. Your jeans don't fit right, and the seam is riding up and itching your legs and ankles. Yet everyone around you looks at you as if you're crazy...

This is your daily life. The lightest bump against your skin makes it crawl and makes you cringe. Yet you hide this from others in fear of being “weird” again. Bright lights in a room cause you big pain, yet you’re too shy to ask for them to be dimmed or turned off; too scared to ask for help. Many a shirt have been ripped and ruined in the midst of a meltdown, when frantically you have to tear off the tags and any loose strings because your skin feels as if it’s on fire. Alone, sitting in your room; clothes ripped off and a fan blowing at you to an angle- you’re on overload right now. All lights are out except for a little bit of sunlight (or moonlight as it often is) as you cling to your favorite blanket and try to calm down- but the texture of the carpet makes you feel like crying or yelling out even more- especially if it brushes your feet. What are you supposed to do, when the simplest things make life tougher than it should be?

'I toughed it out at Disney, despite all the very loud sounds, bright flashing lights, and horrible smells. I toughed it out when I went down Splash Mountain and got splashed in the face with water- I HAD to wipe my face directly after, but I couldn’t let go of the seat in fear I’d fall out of the ride. The only comforting part of the day was the few breaks we got to take, when I bought an ice cream to help soothe me. I nearly cried when the train’s brakes squealed and emitted a very high pitched squeal. 4 times during the day did I hear that- maybe even more. I wanted to scream, but for the sake of my friends I held it back. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I be NORMAL?'

You give an audible sigh and exhale, slinking down in your room and closing your tired eyes. You’re calming down now, after a tough day of school. Even though college is filled with more adults than children, it’s still hard to bear through the blinding fluorescent lights, the professor droning on and on about things you don’t even care about, and the myriad of other annoyances. Not to mention the bus ride home is just as worse, if not more, than the bus ride to school in the first place. Walking inside the door, you shy your head away from the television because as much as you want to watch something, the buzzing from the electricity and the static just make your headache even worse.

You toughed it out at middle and high school, too. Sensory hell conveniently squeezed in a tight compact building full of kids. Lunch time and in between periods was the worst of it all. There must’ve been hundreds of kids running, climbing, pushing themselves through a small hallway all going different directions. If you even tried to walk through there was no doubt you’d get bumped by a stranger- which would send you into a weird feeling for the rest of the day. Rubbing the spot where you brushed against someone else furiously, you can’t seem to shake the feeling that something is wrong- but how to fix it?

When the smell of food cooking makes you nauseous… how is one supposed to eat? Or cook? You can only plug your nose for so long before you have to breathe normally again… and if you plug your nose physically in front of the person, you insult them/their cooking, when that isn’t the case. Waking up to the smell of bacon and eggs in the morning is enough to make any normal person excited, but for you it made you crawl under the 4 comforters on your bed and hide your face under them, no matter how hot it was. You did not want to wake up and “smell the coffee”- rather, you wanted to hide from it and not smell it at all.


'What’s a person supposed to do when the daily things everyone has to go through makes you want to break down and cry? You wonder, I crave hugs and cuddles but if someone touches me too lightly I jump, cringe, or whimper. I search for answers, but all I could come up with was OCD… but I have no compulsive thoughts or even obsessions… so what is the answer? What am I supposed to do...? '

List of things

Taken from somewhere else, copied and pasted for now and later I'll edit it up. Most of this is exactly how I feel~ x3

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'I Have Autism..and this is what I need and want'.........



I want to be loved and accepted.

I wish others to tell me that it’s wonderful that I was born.

I need to see others talking about how happy they are with knowing and living with people with Autism, not despite of Autism and not only knowing suffering.

I don’t want to be seen as the source of my loved ones suffering. I want to know I don’t ruin anyone’s life, I don’t want to be a burden.

When I finally manage to gather my strength to tell you something, listen and know all the effort that costs me, respect what I have to say even if you don’t understand.

 If I think or feel differently it doesn’t mean I am wrong, it doesn’t mean you are wrong, it means that there is not right way of perceiving the world and that my brain works in a particular way.

Do not deny what I feel, do not think I am lying if you don’t understand.
 Don’t dismiss things as me being too sensitive or irrational.
Validate my experiences.
If I can’t hug you it doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I am insensitive.
If I don’t talk it doesn’t mean I am being rude.

If I don’t talk it doesn’t mean I can’t listen.

Communication is difficult, talking is really difficult.

If I look angry, it’s not always something I can control.

I can’t always control the tone of my voice, I may sound angry when I am not.

Know I can only focus on one thing at a time and changing focus is hard.

If I am happy and really liking a subject don’t say I am obsessed and that this is wrong.

Things that are easy and automatic for you are difficult and need concentration and effort for me, be patient if I take longer or don’t do something.

Don’t laugh at my fears, there is no universal notion of scary, just because something doesn’t scare you it doesn’t mean my fear is silly or funny.

When I want to comfort you I normally don’t know how, believe I am more worried for you than you can think.

I need to know I have a right to exist, a right to be here, a right to be who I am with Autism and all. I can’t be forced to act as someone else. Don’t tell me that everything I do is wrong, that you think every way I act it’s weird, don’t laugh of the things I do, don’t expect that I change everything I need to change for you to think I am worthy of being respected as human.

I need to be taught self-love, pride, self-respect and self-esteem, not how to look others in the eye.

I need to know there is no normal.

I need your patience when I cannot do things or when I do not understand something. Just because you don’t see a difficulty it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

I need to know that it’s a good thing I am the way I am.

I need to know that it’s okay to have Autism, that I am not doing anything wrong, that I am not wrong, I am not flawed.

I want to know that you don’t think having a ‘normal’ child is better.

I am not a broken version of a normal me. I don’t want to be someone that you want to replace with a ‘normal’ person.

If we disagree I will respect you, do the same because people are different, we think differently, we have different opinions, but respect needs to be for all.

I want to honour the beauty and joy Autism brings without denying the struggles.

I wish to be loved not despite Autism, but loved as me, loved just the way I am.

Understand I have a life to be lived, with Autism. Better to embrace it then to fight it.

Accepting Autism, accepting myself as I am is the most satisfying feeling I know.

I know good things and see beauty because of Autism.

My suffering from others attitude is deeper than any frustration that Autism brings.

Autism is part of me and it molds me, if I wish to love myself, I must accept having Autism.

I need to know that you would never change the fact I was born.

I need to know that it’s okay, and things will be fine somehow, that I am beautiful this way and I have a beauty in the deep way I see and feel the world. ♥

Fresh start.

After a few days of thinking, I'm off to a fresh start. Nothing major came up, but life has changed and I've gained more knowledge since I first started my older blog. I feel that the other one had turned into a dumping ground of depressive rants, instead of insightful posts I had intended to write.

Instead of just picking back up from where I left off, I'm starting fresh on a new page and new design. :3

I might take a few older posts and re-post them here but for the most part I'll be starting fresh.

This is me, Sila, and this is my life as I see it. There's many puzzle pieces that make up who I am, and my part of the autism spectrum.