Monday, November 5, 2012

Disappointed in myself. :/

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day, but I feel this is going to be a continuing lingering cloud over my head for a while.

I disappointed myself today. I hurt a new friend without trying to. I hit a big argument with my mom and was scared and hurt. I didn't feel safe in my room because the argument was going on in my room and things were getting rough. I went online to a chatroom where I had recently become friends with someone who was really nice. He tried to offer suggestions, and I gave excuses because I didn't honestly see any other way out. I somehow dumbed the situation down after it happened, and gave the impression that I was blowing it off as if it was nothing even though it was a big situation just moments before. I hurt him because I reminded him of something painful in his past. Now he has to distance himself from me.

I feel disappointed. Upset, and depressed. Looking at an expressions chart, I can also say that I'm feeling guilty, ashamed, and lonely. I struggle with new friendships a lot. I cannot find an even balance in my life with them. I either don't talk to the 'new friend' at all for a while, or I latch onto them and swarm them unintentionally. I don't mean to. I just don't know how to be friends and not spend all my time with them. I think that I'm unintentionally trying to get something from friendships that I never got out of a parental relationship. But I feel like I'm  manipulating people too. and I want it to stop. I want to have "normal" friendships with people. I don't want to push them away, or hurt them, or make them feel uncomfortable. And I don't want to feel like something is wrong just because I spent so much time with them for like a week, and then suddenly they started to lower the amount of time they talk with me. I want to be able to do this. But I don't know how. :/

No comments:

Post a Comment