Monday, October 22, 2012

Depression hits again. Hard. (WARNING: triggering possible..)

(Warning ahead of time, this post is going to be relatively heavy. I'm going through a tough time and I'm not going to lie or sugar coat the situation. There's talk of abuse, suicide, and self injury.)

Over the past week I've had a lot of time to just sit and think about things after my friend dropped contact with me. The past, the present, my feelings and thoughts. For as long as I can remember I've "coped" with things by just distraction or distancing myself from my thoughts alone. When that fails, I do fall and my mood crashes. Before I had people in my life to help me, I used to get really low. I never considered self injury or suicide because of my morals and goals in life. I've used distraction for years to handle so many things, such as getting depressed.

When I was in counseling as a child I remember shutting down whenever I was asked how I felt about the abuse, or about my dad being gone, etc. I ended up changing the subject and talking about whatever was easier- at the time that was playing with Uno cards or something else. I often avoided the topic because it was too hard to talk about, and I never felt I could trust any of my counselors. I lost track of how many counselors I had.

Fast forward to now, and I had almost convinced myself that I put it behind for good, that it didn't hurt anymore and I escaped unscathed. I thought I had won the inner battle, basically. But now that it feels like my friend betrayed my trust and abandoned me, it opened up the wounds again. I'm terrified of being abandoned by people, especially once I get to know them and love them. She was one of the few people I felt that I could talk to about anything, and I did. I managed to tear down emotional barriers and finally felt comfortable, and then this has happened and I feel depressed. It brings me back to all the times I've been abandoned by people who I trusted...namely my dad who broke every bit of trust I ever had in him. (And then proceeded to figuratively rip my heart apart again when he sent me a birthday card on my 16th. It basically told me that writing him letters back was more important than me struggling to keep myself sane in school, on top of trying to learn how to make friends and keep my grades up. That's a whole other story..)

I thought, Friday, that I'd be able to put it aside and move on and just wait it out, see if she'd come back. But after my party on Saturday, things calmed down and I had more time to just sit and think and so I'm feeling down about it again. :( I'm feeling upset partially because of her, but also going back to the abuse. I never talked to anyone about it really, any more than i was made to. It's always hurt too much, and I used to break into tears by just thinking about it. I feel like I've distanced myself from my emotions over time, and I never learned how to handle it.

I don't know what to do. :( I have until Wednesday for my therapy appointment and I'm not sure what my therapist will want to say or talk about.

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